Most people know whether they are dating someone, but far fewer have stopped to ask a more basic question: Why am I dating?
It sounds almost too obvious, but it is a question I sometimes ask people in counseling and coaching. Recently, I was talking with a client about the person he was dating and we worked through it step by step. You are dating. Okay. Why are you dating? What is the purpose of dating? Are you dating with a purpose, or are you simply dating because that is what people do?
It is surprising how often people have never really thought about it.
Dating can certainly be fun. There is nothing wrong with enjoying another person, going out to dinner, being attracted to someone, or simply enjoying the excitement of a new relationship. But if a relationship continues, eventually it helps to know what you are trying to accomplish.
At its most basic level, dating is a way of getting to know another person well enough to determine whether the relationship should become something more.
That sounds simple, but it changes the way we think about dating.
Dating Is About Discovery
When you first meet someone, you really do not know them. You may know that you are attracted to them. Conversation may come easily. You may have similar interests, laugh at the same things, enjoy the same music, or discover that you have a great deal in common.
All of that matters. Attraction matters. Chemistry matters. Enjoying one another matters.
But none of those things tells you very much about whether you can build a life together.
That takes time.
Dating gives us the opportunity to see another person in different situations and gradually discover who they really are. How do they respond when they are disappointed? How do they treat people who cannot do anything for them? Can they listen when someone disagrees with them? Can they apologize? How do they deal with money, work, family, responsibility and frustration?
You are not conducting an investigation or looking for perfection. Dating should not feel like a job interview. The point is simply that getting to know someone involves more than knowing how you feel when the two of you are together.
Over time, you begin to discover character.
And character matters a great deal more in a long-term relationship than whether you both like sushi and hiking.
Attraction Is Not the Same as Knowing Someone
One of the easiest mistakes to make in a new relationship is confusing strong feelings with knowledge.
You may feel intensely attracted to another person and still know very little about them.
Early relationships naturally involve excitement. You look forward to seeing the person. You think about them when they are not there. You wait for the next text or phone call and enjoy the feeling of being wanted in return.
There is nothing wrong with any of that. In fact, it can be one of the most enjoyable parts of falling in love.
But there is a difference between “I really want this person” and “I know who this person is.”
Part of healthy dating is allowing enough time for one to gradually become the other.
That is why ordinary life is so important. Eventually you need to see each other when things are not exciting. You need to experience misunderstandings, stress, disappointment and differences of opinion. You begin to see how the other person deals with real life rather than simply how the two of you behave on a date.
That is when dating becomes useful.
Are You Dating With Purpose, or Just Dating?
Dating with purpose does not mean turning every first date into a discussion about marriage, children and retirement accounts. People need time to relax, enjoy one another and allow a relationship to develop naturally.
It simply means having some idea of what you are ultimately looking for.
If you eventually hope to marry, for example, then at some point the question becomes more than, “Do I enjoy spending time with this person?” You also begin asking whether this is someone with whom you could actually build a marriage.
That does not mean you have to know immediately. In fact, the whole point of dating is that you probably do not know yet.
You are finding out.
Problems often arise when people become deeply involved in a relationship before they have ever considered what they want from it. Months or years can pass before one person finally asks where the relationship is going, only to discover that the two people were operating with completely different expectations.
One wanted marriage. The other never thought that far ahead.
One wanted children. The other did not.
One assumed they were slowly building toward a permanent commitment. The other was simply enjoying the relationship as it existed.
Those conversations are easier when people understand from the beginning that dating has a purpose.
Sex Can Complicate the Process
This is also where the idea behind Date Before You Mate comes in.
Sex is not an insignificant addition to a relationship. Whatever someone’s moral or religious beliefs may be, human sexuality involves vulnerability, pleasure, attachment, expectations and emotional investment. Becoming sexually involved can make a relationship feel much deeper very quickly.
The feelings themselves are not fake. The problem is that emotional closeness and actual knowledge of another person do not always develop at the same speed.
You can feel extremely close to someone you still do not know very well.
Once a couple becomes strongly physically and emotionally attached, it can also become harder to evaluate the relationship clearly. Instead of asking, “Is this really the right relationship for me?” the question can slowly become, “How do I make sure I don’t lose this relationship?”
That is a very different psychological position.
This does not mean people who have already become sexually involved are incapable of evaluating their relationships or that every relationship needs to follow exactly the same timetable. Human relationships are more complicated than that.
It simply means there may be wisdom in allowing yourself enough time to know the person before becoming deeply entangled with them.
Dating Is Not Marriage
Dating and marriage serve different purposes.
Dating is a time of discovery and discernment. Marriage is a commitment made after that discernment.
That distinction matters because a dating relationship is allowed to end.
Sometimes people treat the ending of any relationship as proof that something went wrong. But if two people spend time getting to know one another and eventually discover that they should not marry, the dating process may actually have worked exactly as it was supposed to.
You can meet a good person who is not the right person for you.
You can care deeply about someone and still recognize significant differences in values, family goals, faith, money, lifestyle or emotional maturity.
You can even love someone and decide that marrying them would be unwise.
Love matters, but love does not automatically solve every incompatibility.
When choosing a spouse, you are choosing much more than someone who makes you feel good today. You may eventually share a home, finances, children, extended family, sickness, disappointments, responsibilities and thousands of very ordinary days together.
That decision deserves some thought.
So What Is Dating For?
Dating is a chance to enjoy another person while gradually discovering who they are. It is also an opportunity to learn about yourself: what you value, what you need, what you can compromise on and what you cannot.
You do not have to make dating complicated. You do not need a checklist on every date or a psychological analysis of every behavior.
But it helps to know what you are doing.
If you are dating someone now, a useful question may simply be:
Am I dating with a purpose, or am I just dating?
You do not need to know today whether the person you are seeing is the person you will marry. That is what dating is supposed to help you discover.
Before you decide how deeply to join your life to another person, take some time to find out who that person really is.
That is what dating is for.
Before You Go
If you’re dating someone, ask yourself three questions:
1. What am I ultimately looking for?
2. What am I actually learning about this person?
3. Is this relationship moving toward something, or are we simply continuing it?
Still not sure what you’re looking for—or whether this relationship is right for you?
You may benefit from relationship coaching. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you sort through attraction, compatibility, commitment, and the questions that are difficult to answer when you are emotionally involved.